Original Art Sundays No. 298: Sharp Invitations: Curt, pp. 36 and 37

 Hello again!

Two pages this week instead of one! I was having fun with it and decided to push a bit. 

This is my response to Curt's reaction to my attempt to slit my wrists.

Well, out of the fire and into surrender! Really, I tried running away, I tried escaping into death (however halfheartedly). The only thing left to try was surrender. Plus, part of me always wanted to be the little housewife. I don't think it's every trans woman's dream, but it was one of mine. However, I myopically believed I wouldn't have to surrender my autonomy to fulfill it.

Also, as anyone who's been involved in domestic abuse will tell you, it's a labyrinth, a tangled mess of conflation and subversion. It's jarring to live through, but excessive detail on such things makes for a convoluted and uninteresting story. Better to condense and summarize.

Soliloquy and paper dolls seemed a good way to sum up this turn of events. This story is a bit heavy, and an occasional respite is called for. Plus- paper dolls, what fun! I've done paper dolls of most of my other characters, so why not me? In my research, I discovered that the Cleavers' home town of Mayfield isn't in a specific state, hence the USA locale. All the costumes are period, evoking the 1960s housewife cliche, except the Omaha lingerie, which is there in homage to sensei Reed Waller. They're also all things I really enjoy.

Layout is pretty direct on these. I've done soliloquy pages earlier in this story, and followed the same pattern of reversal/reversal. I love the high five in the last panel on that page. 

Tools for these two pages:

• Canson Bristol Board, tracing paper
  
• Pencils: Tech pencil, 2B Ticonderoga, 3B and 6B Cumberland Derwent, 4B Graphite stick
• Holder & Nib, ballpoint pen
• Triangle, straightedge, T-square
  
• Dr. Martin's Black Star Matte ink
• Brushes: Blick #6 Synthetic Round, Escoda Kolinsky Sable Flat #4. Tight Spot for corrections
• Microns: .03, .05, .08, Brush Tip
• FW Artist's Acrylic White
• Photoshop

Next: Domestic tranquility moments, the calm before the final storm.

Original Art Sundays No. 297: Curt, p. 35

 Once more into the breach, dear friends.

When we left our heroine (me), the half-assed suicide attempt was truncated by a neighbor's phone ringing. Before I could clean up, Curt came home. How will he react to the woman he claims to love attempting such a thing?

Well, there you have it. As was noted by one of my Beta readers, knives are intended for cutting meat, so his asinine wrath was also factually inaccurate. This is what happened, but I condensed events slightly for narrative flow. But even with the danger implicit in living in this situation, it starts to seem absurd at some point. Abusers often pride themselves on reason, but are often irrational in their micromanagement and rage. The challenge is to navigate their anger and feed into their egos.

Again, no overt trans content on this page, other than it being a trans woman's story.

Technical notes: The layout is pretty direct and flows well. I particularly like the tight shots of Curt's eyes framing his gaze down the cut arm to the bloody knife. At one point, I had divided that long panel in thirds, but it seemed more of a distraction than a dramatic effect. I hand-rendered the text, but reworked it in Photoshop. Lower energy, but it reads better. A sense of place is crucial to this page. Perspective is key on the first panel. I seldom do such detailed work on environments, but this is a time where it's necessary to ground the space. Looking at it now, the page still needs a couple minor corrections, but it's 95% there.

The gray values on the ceiling in Panel 1 are a simple gradient.

Instead of scanning, I tried a photo with my iPhone 12. I'm not 100% happy with this method. Too much work in post to get the levels right. If my other option, using the document capture in Notes, yields similar results, I'll just go back to scanning. 

I used my favorite scumbling brush with masking tape on panel 3 (the arm). Don't you love simple production tricks? I got this fascinating sort of dry brush smear by accident on my drawing board, and it's inspired me for a page down the line. A pen nib and a brush marker died creating this page. We will now observe a moment of silence.

Tools:

• Canson Bristol Board
• Pencils: Ticonderoga 2B, Paster Classics 6B, 4B graphite stick
• Erasers: Staedtler Mars Plastic, kneadable eraser, erasing guide
  
• Brushes: Blick #2 synthetic Masterstroke, Blick #6 Synthetic round
• Pen nib and holder
• Microns: .005, .02, .05, .08, 1.0 and brush
• Photoshop

Next: survival strategies.

Original Art Sundays No. 296: Sharp Invitations: Curt, p. 34

 Hi, all. Here we go with the next page.

Last time we saw our heroine (me), she was in the tub, high on booze and prescription meds and bleeding out of her cut wrist.

Here's what happened next.

It's often something mundane that stops these attempts. I read a writer's account of their own attempt (I'm embarrassed to say I can't recall whose). They were all ready to do it, to end their lives, staring at the gun, when they got a casual call from a friend who was unaware of the crisis, inviting them to a ball game. They went but never told the friend what that friend had done for them. 

One little thing. That's all it takes sometimes.

In my case, someone else's phone rang. I went on automatic pilot to answer the phone. Can't be rude, you know.

This page also serves as a reminder of some of the small and not so small things that drove me to the attempt in the first place. Curt not trusting me to do something as simple as carrying on a phone call, me being so afraid of his reaction to anything I was doing.

Technical aspects: we're back to a pretty standard grid this week. Just advancing the narrative panel by panel. I'm in every panel, but not full face shot until the last panel, my shocked reaction to his return home. 

Nothing overtly about trans identity on this page, but it's one of the core elements of the story, so its presence or absence must needs be noted.

I'm back to rendering background textures in wash and grease pencil. It seems to serve me well as my style continues to evolve. There's a little #2 pencil texture on the tub surface. I continue to grow my relationship to backgrounds/environments, following Ursula Murray Husted's encouragement to think of the environment as a character. I balance that against a line that sticks with me from David Chelsea's Perspective for Comic Book Artists, in which one of his characters describes the function of perspective not as mechanical accuracy, but as a desire to "make things more or less plausible." Think about it. Realistic mechanical rendering isn't always necessary or desirable, in that it doesn't always serve the story. And one should always do what serves the story. It doesn't have to look precise, but it does have to look real, in the context of the story.

The last panel really got away from me in early attempts! The first inked version had a distorted, elongated face with a mouth one might find on a blow-up doll. So back to tracing paper, whiteout, and re-rendering. The final panel was still messy. I cleaned it up in Photoshop, then put some of the mess back for effect. I might do just a bit more correction on this before going to press, but it's pretty much there. It was fun drawing a body just out of the tub and not toweled off. Those little drippy effects are exciting to play with.

Tools for this page:

• Canson Bristol Board
• Pencils: 2B Ticonderoga, Lead holder and 3B lead, 4B graphite stick
• Erasers: Steadler Mars plastic eraser, kneadable eraser
  
• Dr. Martin's Black Star Matte Ink
• FW Artist's Acrylic White
• Plastic painting palette for washes
  
• Tight Spot brush for corrections
• Pen nib and holder
• Brushes: Blick No. 6 round synthetic, Reeves No. 8 nylon flat for washes
• Photoshop

Next: will Curt be sympathetic and supportive? What do you think?

Original Art Sundays No. 295: Sharp Invitations: Curt, p. 33

 Hi, all.

After numerous delays, here is the next page.

This one was a huge challenge. The actual layout and illustration was relatively easy. The art and layout only took a day or two. But in doing it, I had to face my own stupidity and relive some stuff I've long put behind me. 

I'm not that person any more, and revisiting her was anguish. Still, memoir demands honesty, so here we are. My challenge remains the same: show these events honestly without romanticizing or sensationalizing them. I'm not doing violence porn.

When we left off, I had taken a few too many prescription meds, washed them down with liquor, grabbed a knife and headed for the bathroom. What happened next is pretty predictable.

I had drawn this conventionally, using conventional tools. When the art was done, I realized that this page would be more effective reversed out, so Photoshop to the rescue again! I penciled the borders with a straightedge and inked them freehand to get that ragged effect I use from time to time. 

The tub panel is a variation on a panel I used in a similar storyline in my old Tranny Towers strip.

Thoughts: the bathtub looks like a coffin. I wasn't overtly aware of that until I worked on this page. Also, since that day, I've preferred showers to baths. It's still hard for me to relax in the tub. I didn't make that connection until this.

Abuse victims are prone to depression and suicide attempts, especially while it's going on. This is not unique to trans people. I contend that our suicide rate is higher, not because we're more unstable (we're not), but because so many people seem to want to make our lives harder, either for "our own good" or for their own venal, perverse amusement. When supported and encouraged to live full lives, trans people tend to thrive. Yes, some of us are messed up, but you could say the same about cis people. That just makes us human. As noted in the "Get A Job" chapter of this book, when I came out to my boss, I was told that they would be watching my work more closely, even though I was the same person doing the same job. Think about that for a minute. When you come out, your relationships, family, home and safety are threatened. Great time to add stress to the job! Thanks, boss!

That approach has improved in a lot of companies and organizations over the ensuing years. The narrative now is, more often than not, "what can we do to help?" Likewise, many families and loved ones are now much more supportive of trans people in their lives. Again, far from everyone, but it's better.

I am grateful that at least some of the world is behaving more humanely about trans issues.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to volunteer at the Sexual Violence Center. I suppose I still do, but I don't think I'm really strong enough for that. Maybe. Another day. Not to minimize my experience, but compared to some abuse victims, I got off fairly easy. I always want to help, but... well, I still have emotional limits, I suppose.

There's a bit more of this chapter of the story to complete, and some pages from it will be shown at the Minneapolis College of Art & Design's Faculty Biennial exhibition this fall. I'll keep you posted.

Tools for this page:

• Canson Bristol board
• Graphite stick, lead holder with 3B leads, Ticonderoga 2B classic pencil
• China marker/ grease pencil
  
• Windsor & Newton eraser, kneadable eraser
• Straightedges and T-Squares
• Dr. Martin's Black Star ink
  
• FW Artist's Acrylic white
• Photoshop

Next: Will I get out of the tub in time? Will I bleed to death as I pass out? Will an ambulance be called? Find out next week.